Friday, 18 July 2014

The Do-It-Yourself 'Star Trek - The Next Generation' Script Generator

(More from a floppy diskette I recently discovered at the bottom of a drawer during a clear-out. This time, create your own episode of Star Trek the Next Generation - originally written when the show was at the height of its power back in the 1990s and published in a slightly edited by the cult humour fanzine 'FanGrok'. Please treat it carefully.)

Simply pick from the cloices of A, B, C or D, write down the answers and flog them to Paramount. They’re always harping on about wanting “new talent” on the writing staff so here’s your chance to join that elite band of 450,000 other writers who claim to work on the shows......!

1. TEASER - Fade up to:
The crew of the USS Enterprise...

a.) ...are taking shore leave on a beautiful paradise planet
b.) ...are investigating a colourful and expensive piece of computer animation on the edge of the Alpha Quadrant
c.) ...are bored shitless listening to Data playing classical music on his wobble-board
d.) Ten Forward taking the piss out of Worf’s ritual Klingon pig-tails.

2. Suddenly, Captain Picard calls a red alert because...
a.) ...he’s received top secret orders from Starfleet Command but can tell no one what they are.
b.) ...Commander Riker is stuck in his sonic shower
c.) ...The teaser’s two minutes are up and he’s getting itchy
d.) ...The Andorian Ambassador has been found dead, face down in Lwaxana Troi.



5. ACT ONE: We begin with...

a.) ...An establishing shot of the Enterprise
b.) ...An establishing shot of the Enterprise
c.) ...An establishing shot of the Enterprise
d.) ...A close-up shot of the Andorian Ambassador, face down in Lwaxana Troi.

6. Picard calls a meeting of his command staff, where they discuss...
a.) ...archaeology
b.) ...Worf’s bottom
c.) ...The drop in ratings
d.) ...How the fuck to explain to the Andorians what their Ambassador was doing face down in Lwaxana Troi.

7. Data has been monitoring strange signal emanations from a planet in the Rigel system. He believes them to be...
a.) ...something never detected before and worthy of further investigation.
b.) ...from a race of aliens too unfashionable to be of any real interest to this episode
c.) ...a false echo bouncing back from Commander Riker’s stomach
d.) ...the Andorian Ambassador’s wife asking after her husband.

8. All of a sudden, without warning and for no apparent reason...
a.) ...The Enterprise is buffeted from side to side as it’s pummelled by an invisible cosmic entity played by an actor from TV’s Frasier (Name to be announced)
b.) ...The starboard deflector shield fails as the Enterprise sustains a photon torpedo hit from a ship captained by the evil mirror universe John F. Kennedy
c.) ...The main control console explodes showering everyone with tatty sparks and early episodes of I Love Lucy appear on the main viewscreen
d.) ...Data’s cat gives birth to seventeen darling kittens.


10. ACT TWO: Fade up to...

a.) ...An establishing shot of the Enterprise (again!)
b.) ...Picard still struggling with the door to his sonic shower
c.) ...Geordi spouting techno-babble into a comlink while the warp core pops and splutters and extras scatter in the background
d.) ...Riker on the floor, muttering “...what the fuck?” and pulling one of Data’s darling kittens out from under him.

11. The crew is forced to split up and investigate further:
a.) Geordi and Data beam down to the planet’s surface and investigate the same polystyrene boulders for the umpteenth time this season.
b.) Troi senses a feeling of great sadness in the audience whilst Wesley lives up to his name and is crushed to death under a damaged bulkhead.
c.) Captain Picard reveals that his orders from Starfleet conflict with the prime directive and goes off to his ready room to sulk whilst Riker seeks to tackle his weight problem with illegal diet pills.
d.) Dr. Crusher hovers about the bridge for a bit then wanders off to her quarters to worry about Wesley’s new boyfriend; a hairy, thirty stone Klingon with chronic halitosis

12. Suddenly the real menace reveals itself to be none other than...
a.) ...Tasha Yar’s evil twin sister
b.) ...A Tasha Yar from an alternate dimension
c.) ...Tasha Yar
d.) ...Q (disguised as Tasha Yar).


14. ACT THREE: Meanwhile a “human-interest” B plot is developing:

a.) Worf is having one-parent family problems with his son Alexander
b.) Riker is forced to come to terms with his grotesque obesity when a chair in Ten Forward collapses under his incredible weight
c.) Data is experimenting in a relationship with Spot
d.) Geordi has fallen in love with the wrong woman again. This time it’s the 200 year old corpse of Lt. Uhura.

15. Guinan solves everyone’s personal problems in Ten-Forward by...
a.) ...listening convincingly in a heart-warming fashion whilst wearing a silly hat
b.) ...offering to poison Wesley.

c.) a stripper and calling a happy hour.
d.) ...not appearing due to her movie commitments on Sister Act 3.

16. The episode begins to climax when...
a.) ...Deanna Troi reveals herself to be pregnant by an alien energy being
b.) ...Data’s analysis of the situation proves to be complete gibberish due to chronic piles
c.) ...Picard orders them all to go in at any cost because “...they are Starfleet officers, goddammit!!!”
d.) ...Tasha Yar dies once again in a lachrymose scene unable to reveal to Data that she’s carrying his baby.

17. Just as all hope is lost and time is rapidly running out...
a.) ...O’Brien comes up with a plan to save the day but he can’t tell anyone because he’s still a non-speaking extra
b.) ...Wesley is killed (again!)
c.) ...Q appears and reveals “It was all a test, mon capitan!”
d.) ...Troi takes the helm and pilots the Enterprise into the nearest tree.

18. The menace is finally despatched by...
a.) ...Picard’s powerful posturing
b.) ...Data’s supreme sacrifice
c.) ...Dr. Crusher’s medical miracle
d.) ...Riker’s fart.


20. ACT FOUR: Fade up to...
The Epilogue - everybody is happy except for...

a.) ...Picard, who remembers what the Borg did to him
b.) ...Data, who realises he will never know what it is like to be human
c.) ...Worf, who still can’t tell Geordi about his feelings for him because they are not the Klingon way
d.) ...Riker, who’s just seen his laundry bill.

followed by...

a.) ...a trailer for next week’s “all-new episode of Staaaaaaar Trek - The Next Generation”
b.) ...a trailer for next week’s bloody repeat
c.) ...a trailer for Babylon 5.

d.) apology

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